The role of primary caregiver for an elderly loved one is packed with concerns, not the least of which is the anxiety about the effect this new role is having on your work. There is no sense muddling through day after day giving less than your best to your boss, your family, your loved one, and yourself. Do yourself a favor and take some time to sit down and really evaluate your situation, rather than just running to put out one fire after another. It’s important to decide that you can and will take control of this situation to the best of your ability – and what you can’t do yourself, you will find someone else to do. Believe me, the sooner you do this you will begin to breathe easier.
First, if you are in an emergency situation and your loved one has been suddenly hospitalized and is now being released, or if the usual primary caregiver has unexpectedly left their post, perhaps the best thing to do is just ask for a few days off to explore your options and get things back to some semblance of normal. You do not want to create any bad feelings by trying to handle this from your desk without telling anyone. If that is not possible, speak to your supervisor or someone in human resources about your situation. Explain that while you understand that you are needed at the office, you may need to use the office phone to handle this personal business and that you may be called away at a moment’s notice until the situation is resolved. Promise them that you will keep them informed of the progress of the situation so they can plan on when to expect your full attention to return to your work. Respectfully ask the supervisor if he/she will sign a document if you produce a record of your conversation.
A more in-depth assessment is necessary for long-term care situations. Caring for a loved one is quite often done by the seat of our pants. You need to make doctor appointments, but some specialists are booked so far in advance you can’t possibly know of future conflicts. You know prescriptions need to be refilled, but you are still doing that as they run out. But you want to try to streamline as many of these things as possible – ordering medication online may be a viable option or putting prescriptions on automatic refill so we don’t run out. You need to start by documenting all the things that need to be done. You can’t possibly come up with a schedule to handle these things if you don’t have them recorded.
Your job probably comes with a job description, but you’ve been there a long time and people have added things to that list over the years. Update that job description, you need a clear picture of what you do. Make it in list form. Put your scheduled hours at the top. Also, write in the hours you normally work – sometimes this is through lunch or you arrive early most days. Notate which of these responsibilities has a firm deadline and which are more flexible.
The next phase of your assessment will be to write a job description for the role of caregiver for your loved one. List the responsibilities and the amount of time that each of them takes. This is not the time to involve your loved one. Listing the tasks associated with their care might make them feel like they were a burden if they were involved in this process. There may be a few things on this list such as accompanying them to doctor’s visits or doing the grocery shopping or the list might be quite extensive if, for instance, you are going over there every day to make sure medications are taken, meals are eaten, and they are bathed. This is a complete job description – not just what you do. If others are involved, the things they do are part of the job description as well.
You are now armed with information. And information is power. There simply may not be enough time in the week to get it all done. You can now take some action to come up with a workable plan.
Can you reduce your work load at the office? Armed with your new job description, you can approach your boss about reducing hours or working a more flexible schedule. Show them how your job has expanded over time to encompass more than can be done in a 40-hour week. Hopefully, they will assist you in creating a schedule that accomodates your new role as a caregiver.
Can you ask a family member to help with some of the caregiving tasks? It is easy to get discouraged because it seems that no one else is helping, but sometimes that is simply a matter of communication. I remember blowing up at my brother one time that I needed more help with our mom. His response way, “Why haven’t you asked?” From his viewpoint, I was doing fine because I didn’t ask for help. The beauty of having a written “job description” for the role of caregiver is that now when you ask for help you can be specific. Some family members will be better at running errands than actual physical care. Some will be willing to do things like cleaning or yard work but are not comfortable with helping mom take a bath. You can even enlist the help of children and teens when you break it down to tasks they can handle.
Consider hiring a professional caregiver to take some of this burden from you. The most important thing that you can give your loved ones is your attention. If at the end of the day you only have time to do a task or give someone your attention, choose the latter. A professional caregiver can help your loved one with their personal care, their meals, their housekeeping, their laundy – but they can not replace YOU. Choose to bring in paid help for the tasks that keep you from personally giving your family your time and attention. You won’t regret that decision.
Even if you are physically capable of keeping all these plates spinning, it will only take an unforeseen event to bring everything tumbling down. Plan ahead to have a safety net in place.
The above information is not intended to be a complete process – there may be many other steps to consider. If you need help getting started, I’d like to help you. Please contact me at Stedman@mdcircleofcare.com.
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